LETTERS TO LYRICAL WORDSMITHS

Sean Gallagher

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"I can make your pussy whistle like the Andy Griffith theme song"

Dear Drake,
I tried making a girls pussy whistle
It didn't sound like the andy griffith theme song
You fucking liar!
It sounded more like air being blown into a vagina
Why must I scientifically prove how terrible your lyrics are?

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"I like them black, white, Puerto Rican, or Haitian Like Japanese, Chinese, or even Asian."

Dear Chingy,
I like them Japanese and Chinese girls too
But Asian?!?! You're crazy right thurr
I guess we all can't be as multicultural as you
See I love girls from France and Britian
But I would never fuck a European

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"My paragraph alone is worth five mics. A twelve song LP, that's thirty-six mics."

Dear Redman,
I did the math
36 mics for 12 songs equals 3 mics per song
If each paragraph you write is worth 5 mics
Then each song on your album has 0.6 verses
I clearly don't own a hip hop calculator

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"There was Brenda, Leticia, Linda, Felicia, Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia, Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki, Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky, Cookie, well I met her in a ice cream parlor... Tanya, Diane, Lori and Carla, Marina, Selena, Katrina, Sabrina, about three Kims, Latoya, and Tina, Shelley, Bridget, Kathy, Rasheeda, Kelly, Nicole, Angel, Juanita, Stacy, Tracie, Ronna, and Rhonda, Donna, Yolanda, Tawana, and Wanda..."

Dear DMX,
You listed 45 women you've slept with
And those are just the one's whose names rhymed
When you ask 'what these bitches want from a nigga'
They want to know what the burning sensation is when they pee
Maybe you can make the STD's they now have rhyme in a song too

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"Didn't wear a bulletproof ...So I got shot and you can see the proof."

Dear Lil' Wayne,
I googled it
You shot yourself by accident when you were 13
Stop holding bragging rights with asterisks
That's like talking about getting pussy when you were 10
When your mother bought you a kitten for your birthday

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